Category: Being Mommy

For any of you that have two (or more) children, I’m sure you can relate. You can relate to that feeling of constantly worrying that one child is getting more attention than the other. Or that people are taking a liking to one of your littles more than the other. Our sweet little Eli steals the hearts of everyone he meets. His joy, bravery, and kindness are infectious. His story is unusual and interesting. But what about the other one?

Our baby Abraham let us know early on that he would not be playing second fiddle to Eli. When I found out I was pregnant again I had mixed emotions. Eli was only 5 months old. We were exhausted. We knew we wanted a second baby but I became panicked. I had such a hard pregnancy with Eli and we had an even more difficult go of it after he was born. I could NOT deal with that again. But I have to now. Shit. And then the guilt. How can I feel so unhappy about such a precious little being?

I had horrible morning sickness with Abe. Much worse than I ever had with Eli. I was nervous the entire time that something was going to go wrong or that something was going to be wrong with him after being born. This is normal for any pregnant gal I think but it rang so true to me since we had been through it all with Eli so recently. The dust hadn’t even settled. The dust was everywhere. Because I hadn’t cleaned in forever. Because I was still a brand new Mommy and could barely function.

Finally the long awaited anatomy ultrasound at 20 weeks. We were so nervous… Great news! He looks perfect! I wanted to be excited, and I was, but I still had a feeling something was going to go wrong. I was waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me. Just about one week later out it came. I had a placental abruption and was immediately put on bedrest at 21 weeks.

If I had any shred of uncertainty about having a second baby, it flew out the window when I knew there was a real possibility we would lose him. Only a week prior I had fallen in love with his little profile from his ultrasound. We named him. We started dreaming of the fun things brothers could do together. I felt comfort in knowing that Eli would have a brother who had his back for the hard times he will go through.

I healed up and went on to have a beautiful and healthy baby boy. I will never forget Brian looking at me and saying “Both of his eyes are open.” I burst into tears. Only my partner in life and in love would know the perfect thing to say to me. He knew one of my biggest fears was that we would deal with the same issues with Abe that we were still battling with Eli.

So as I work on plans to more actively write and post to my blog, I thought it was important to shine a light on the other one. The sweetest, happiest, most loving baby any parent could ask for. He completes our family (yes I said completes and no we’re not trying for a girl *eyeroll*) and I genuinely cannot imagine life without him. He is so different than Eli but also has many of the same traits. My heart melts every time I see him trying to get to his big brother and again when his big brother affectionately says “bahhhh” (what Eli calls Abe). I laugh when I see Eli get annoyed with Abe and pull away because I know its only the beginning.

I, of course, know that Eli will be a great big brother. But I also know that Abe will be a great little brother. I want him to always know that even when we have to spend more time with Eli for reasons out of our control, we still love him. I want him to know that sometimes he will be have to be strong for his brother and that it is his role. We all serve a purpose in our family and we all love hard. I always want him to know that he is more than Eli’s brother. He is the final piece to our puzzle. The smiley, smart, and tough corner piece we needed.

“That baby looks weird. His eyes are ugly.”

Those are not words that any new mother (or any mother for that matter) wants to hear when going out to indulge in a chicken fried biscuit. Way to poo on sacred ground, elementary-school-aged punks. To put some background around this, my son, who is now nearly 8 months old, was born with an unusual eye deformity. He has ptosis in one eye that has already required one surgery to just preserve sight and some webbing and a fistula on the other eye. Both eyes will need surgery again within a year or two and likely a few more after that.

I am pregnant again and expecting in September, so my already heightened new-mommy spidey senses are even more attuned. I always knew that one day my sweet baby was going to become the target of bullying. It is something that kept me up at night crying while he was in NICU and I was at home feeling helpless (he was also 6 weeks early). I have worried about him not being able to make friends, never finding love, not having enough self confidence to get a good job and ending up on the street. OK, that last one is a bit much, but hormones do crazy things to people.

My husband, who is always my rock, reminded me – as I started crying in the middle of the fast food chain while holding my sweet boy after overhearing this – that I was letting them win. I logically know this, but at the time it did not make me want to walk over there and school them – and their father, who watched it all go down – any less. I could not pull it together for days just thinking about it. And then it hit me.

Our kid is amazing. Like seriously amazing. He lights up any room he goes into, he constantly has a smile on his face, and he has no idea that he is “different.” If he is not bothered by it, then why am I bothered? These two young boys that made those hurtful comments about an innocent little baby did not know any better. Perhaps they have insecurities of their own and they act out because of it. Perhaps they are just little assholes. Either way, these are the types of people that our son will be dealing with his whole life. And the way that my husband and I react will forever shape how he reacts. Ughhh, parental pressure and moral responsibility…

Kids always stare at our son, and that’s OK because kids are curious and he looks different. I recently was out shopping and an old man (side note: I have decided that old men have similar filters to toddlers, which is both refreshing and unsettling) stopped me and said, “Poor little thing. What is wrong with his eyes?” Rather than being frustrated, annoyed, or sad, I decided to use this as a chance to practice what I preach. I said, “No need to feel sorry for him! He can see perfectly and is the happiest baby you will ever meet.” And as if on cue, my little sidekick flashed a million-dollar smile. The man looked shocked, but then smiled, and it was at that exact moment I realized my little boy and I made a pretty awesome team.

I hate when people say that God gave us a child with a deformity because he knew we could handle it. I could probably bathe in a tub full of cockroaches too, but that doesn’t mean that I would choose it or need to prove it to anyone. But I do have to admit that I was pretty damn proud of us at that moment. It made me wish that I could go back to that fast food restaurant on that fateful day that changed me forever and explain to those little boys what is wrong with his eyes. I should have been the bigger person when no one else stood up. I should have been the example. I have to admit, though, that sometimes I am just tired. I do not feel like answering questions. I do not feel like dealing with the stares. But this is our life.

We do not know if our second baby will have the same issue, and we truly do not care. We ceased all genetic testing months ago (we had done several tests ruling out any major syndromes, etc. and then came to the conclusion that he is doing medically fine so who cares). I can now say loud and proud that I am the mother of a preemie and a child with facial deformities. I am also the mother of a smart, funny, lively, spirited, and HAPPY little boy. So when it all boils down to it, what more can a mother really ask for in a child?

Absolutely nothing.

http://www.scarymommy.com/why-i-no-longer-care-when-people-call-my-baby-ugly/