Being Swack

I first published this piece almost two years ago. I wrote it when I was tired, frustrated, and in a funk. I decided to go back and reread it this week because I have been riding the struggle bus. I live an amazing life filled with love, passion, and purpose. I love my husband, my career, and my children. So what is my problem? Well, life is hard, man! I used to joke and say that my toe nails are a visual representation of my mental state. Let’s just say I need to go and get a pedi… Our boys are now 3 and 4 years old and just when my husband and I think we can’t possibly feel more tired or stressed one of them will say “Oh ya? Hold my juice box.” Now I can’t blame everything on them. Most of my stress is self induced. I know that there are a million blog posts about this topic now, but it is a fact that being a wife, mother, and attempting to maintain some sense of self is not easy. Toss in a career that is moving at a million miles an hour into the mix (a good “problem” to have by the way) and this is what you get.

The really cool thing I have realized this week though, is that it is ok if it doesn’t look easy. It is ok because it isn’t easy. But what I do strive to exhibit is that it is doable. And rewarding. And filled with purpose. My kids may not have the Pinterest worthy Valentine’s to hand out and eat way too many chicken nuggets, I may have an off day at work, I will forget to respond to calls, texts, mail, well – pretty much any form of communication, date night may result in my falling asleep on the couch at 8pm, I may watch the latest Vanderpump Rules instead of reading the book that is collecting dust next to me, a Starbucks up will likely fall out of my car when I open my door, I am not acting like the ride or die friend to my besties that I have always taken pride in, and I will either look like I rolled out of bed or like I’m ready to walk down the runway (there is no in between) but this is my reality right now.

Taking the time to write this post is a step in the right direction because I always find power in transparency. I have a crazy amount of things in my life to be grateful for and every now and again I just have to remind myself to slow down when life starts moving too fast. So this is me doing that. Tomorrow is a new day and I will shake off the grumpies and start fresh. I hope you enjoy reading my original post below (and maybe even some of the others). I’d like to say I’ll write another one soon, but I am not going to put that pressure on myself *fist bump*. Until next time!

Don’t Be Sorry

Originally posted: April 28, 2016

I have many people say things to me like “I don’t know how you do it” or when they get ready to tell me a story about something stressful going on in their own lives they may preface it by saying “I know this is nothing compared to what you have gone through.” These well intentioned statements are always perplexing to me. So because my brother passed away almost eight years ago you are not allowed to feel sad that your car broke down? Or that your dog is sick? I want to say “I hope you never break a nail and want sympathy from me because that is nothing compared to being on bed rest for several months” and then wait for their reaction. Although, in fairness, breaking a nail after a fresh mani/pedi feels nothing short of devastating at the time.

I strongly believe that pain and sadness are relative and that everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware that many people are rolling their eyes right now. It does not mean that I think that everything bad that happens is easy or fair. It sucks. It can feel crushing and it can be hard to move on. What I have found, though, is that working on the practice of gratitude more than anything else has gotten me through some of the hardest times (and continues to do so). It is something that I will be working on for the rest of my life. I am only human. I wish that I could just be thankful that I have internet instead of wanting to burn down Comcast corporate anytime I have to deal with them. Baby steps.

I really sucked at being grateful for a long time. I didn’t know I sucked at it. I thought I was pretty fabulous. Sometimes it takes some hard blows to get things put into perspective. What felt like the first big blow to me was getting divorced at a young age. I don’t know how many times I have thought to myself that I simply cannot imagine where my life would be if I had not made that difficult decision. It was a hard and confusing time for me. I was on the hot mess express and thankfully I hopped off. I would not have given myself the chance to meet the most amazing man or have the most amazing children. I appreciated a good relationship after a few clunkers. The second and most life changing blow was of course the sudden death of my brother during Operation Iraqi Freedom. It has taken me a long time to deal with this one but gaining some gratitude has empowered me. I feel thankful that my brother died for a noble cause. I feel thankful that it brought me closer to many people. It also helped me weed some people out. I will wrap the third up into the one word of motherhood. Most people know of the hardships we have faced with our little ones. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, will give you some perspective faster than spending time in a children’s hospital. This could (and likely will) be a whole blog post on its own but you leave a changed person. Children are so hopeful and strong. They don’t know to worry about themselves too much. They just have faith. Because they just have faith they allow themselves to enjoy life. What a wonderful thing, huh?

I don’t say all these things because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I say them because I wish someone had hit me over the head a long time ago and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. To take the high road and to mend some relationships and let some burn. Life truly is too short and wonderful to waste. Gratitude can be a challenging thing to hold onto during the darkest days. Sometimes even harder on the days that are more gray than dark. The gray days are the sneaky little bastards that will get you. Throw a major issue at me and I can handle it like a champ but give me five days in a row of kids puking, whining, not getting any time to myself, bad hair and eating like poo and I will feel like getting into the fetal position with a wine bottle in the closet. Its funny how that works.

I felt compelled to write this today because I caught myself being a grump. I was being a grump for no good reason. I think that sometimes being in a bad mood is healthy and normal. Sometimes it is obnoxious. When I start annoying myself I know it is time to start going down my mental list of people and things I am grateful to have in my life. I am a walking testament to the fact that the universe gives back to you what you put out there. The more open and happy I allow myself to be the more doors that open for me to walk through thus empowering myself and others. Conversely when I am grumpy, selfish, or negative those doors start to close. Now I feel like I should go out and save a manatee or something.  I feel good!  Carpe diem!

I have many people say things to me like “I don’t know how you do it” or when they get ready to tell me a story about something stressful going on in their own lives they may preface it by saying “I know this is nothing compared to what you have gone through.” These well intentioned statements are always perplexing to me. So because my brother passed away almost eight years ago you are not allowed to feel sad that your car broke down? Or that your dog is sick? I want to say “I hope you never break a nail and want sympathy from me because that is nothing compared to being on bed rest for several months” and then wait for their reaction. Although, in fairness, breaking a nail after a fresh mani/pedi feels nothing short of devastating at the time.

I strongly believe that pain and sadness are relative and that everything happens for a reason. I am fully aware that many people are rolling their eyes right now. It does not mean that I think that everything bad that happens is easy or fair. It sucks. It can feel crushing and it can be hard to move on. What I have found, though, is that working on the practice of gratitude more than anything else has gotten me through some of the hardest times (and continues to do so). It is something that I will be working on for the rest of my life. I am only human. I wish that I could just be thankful that I have internet instead of wanting to burn down Comcast corporate anytime I have to deal with them. Baby steps.

I really sucked at being grateful for a long time. I didn’t know I sucked at it. I thought I was pretty fabulous. Sometimes it takes some hard blows to get things put into perspective. What felt like the first big blow to me was getting divorced at a young age. I don’t know how many times I have thought to myself that I simply cannot imagine where my life would be if I had not made that difficult decision. It was a hard and confusing time for me. I was on the hot mess express and thankfully I hopped off. I would not have given myself the chance to meet the most amazing man or have the most amazing children. I appreciated a good relationship after a few clunkers. The second and most life changing blow was of course the sudden death of my brother during Operation Iraqi Freedom. It has taken me a long time to deal with this one but gaining some gratitude has empowered me. I feel thankful that my brother died for a noble cause. I feel thankful that it brought me closer to many people. It also helped me weed some people out. I will wrap the third up into the one word of motherhood. Most people know of the hardships we have faced with our little ones. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, will give you some perspective faster than spending time in a children’s hospital. This could (and likely will) be a whole blog post on its own but you leave a changed person. Children are so hopeful and strong. They don’t know to worry about themselves too much. They just have faith. Because they just have faith they allow themselves to enjoy life. What a wonderful thing, huh?

I don’t say all these things because I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I say them because I wish someone had hit me over the head a long time ago and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself. To take the high road and to mend some relationships and let some burn. Life truly is too short and wonderful to waste. Gratitude can be a challenging thing to hold onto during the darkest days. Sometimes even harder on the days that are more gray than dark. The gray days are the sneaky little bastards that will get you. Throw a major issue at me and I can handle it like a champ but give me five days in a row of kids puking, whining, not getting any time to myself, bad hair and eating like poo and I will feel like getting into the fetal position with a wine bottle in the closet. Its funny how that works.

I felt compelled to write this today because I caught myself being a grump. I was being a grump for no good reason. I think that sometimes being in a bad mood is healthy and normal. Sometimes it is obnoxious. When I start annoying myself I know it is time to start going down my mental list of people and things I am grateful to have in my life. I am a walking testament to the fact that the universe gives back to you what you put out there. The more open and happy I allow myself to be the more doors that open for me to walk through thus empowering myself and others. Conversely when I am grumpy, selfish, or negative those doors start to close. Now I feel like I should go out and save a manatee or something.  I feel good!  Carpe diem!

I cannot thank everyone enough for the outpouring of support for our family. It never ceases to amaze me how blessed we are to be surrounded by such amazing people! After I wrote the Scary Mommy blog I realized that there is great power in being transparent and enjoy connecting with other people all around the world. With Eli’s latest surgery behind us, I thought an update was long overdue! I plan to blog more frequently because it is a great way to keep everyone informed and it is certainly therapeutic for me. I did put my Scary Mommy post on my blog page as well so if you never go the chance to read it – take a look! “Why I No Longer Care When People Call My Baby Ugly.”  To say that it changed my life is an understatement.

First things first… Eli is doing great! For those of you that don’t know what has been going on I should provide a bit of background. Eli was born 6 weeks early and had a growth restriction my whole pregnancy due to a marginal cord insertion. I was high risk most of my pregnancy. I’ll spare all the details but we had scares for many different things from hydrocephalus to down syndrome. When he was born his face was so swollen from a very rough delivery we didn’t see much wrong. As the swelling went down we knew something was “wrong” (I hate that word) and we were transferred to the MUSC NICU. This could be a whole book but to make a long story short we don’t know what caused Eli to have the issues he has right now. We did genetic testing to rule out any significant syndromes that would require further care. We stopped testing after that point because we decided it didn’t matter and it was taking a toll on us and on Eli. At 6 weeks Eli had a surgery to lift his left eyelid because he couldn’t open it. He was also getting regular MRIs because he had bleeding in his brain from his delivery. The bleeding healed itself and the eyelid lift preserved his vision. Wins! We knew there would be another big surgery down the road and that was supposed to be this past Monday.

For months we were preparing for Eli’s big eye surgery. The plan was to redo the eye lid lift to fix any drooping and make it look better cosmetically. He was so small when he had the first we knew that was part of the plan. At the same time they were also going to work on his right eye. The tear duct system is not working properly and he has some webbing that lifts it to an abnormal angle. It of course does not look like it should but it is also effecting him in ways such as delaying walking because his peripheral is not very good (think blind spots). He has always had a bump where his tear duct is on that eye and everyone also assumed it was the tear duct.

A few weeks before surgery they decided to do a CT scan and an MRI to prep. When they did this, it was revealed that Eli had a hole in his skull above his eye which was allowing brain membrane and tissue to come down. That bump was coming from his brain. Ummm freak out moment?! The eye surgery was cancelled and the neurosurgery was scheduled instead. Luckily we were going to be working with the same pediatric neurosurgeon that we worked with in NICU and love him.

Of course one of my first questions was how did we not know this?? Well, it wasn’t always there. Apparently Eli’s bone was abnormally thin above both his eyes but that defect usually corrects itself by thickening over time. He actually had no bone at the bridge of his nose when he was born and now he does. The body is an amazing thing folks. One eye still looks good but the other became eroded essentially due to the pulsing and pressure of the brain. This allowed brain tissue to make its way down to his eye. They used to tell us to massage his tear duct because they thought that would help the bump. We were massaging his BRAIN?? The neurosurgeon thought that was funny and assured me it was fine…

Cut to surgery day (pun intended). We anxiously waited and started getting nervous as it seemed it was taking a little longer than expected. The doctor finally came out and he said “Well, that was interesting.” Blahhhh! Once he got in there he saw that the brain membrane had ruptured once before and healed itself. We never even knew it. He said it could have even happened when I was still pregnant. When that scar was created, it acted as a tether pulling down the brain tissue. He said think of it like a hernia. The tissue got itself out but couldn’t get itself back up. Good grief… He was able to fix everything by putting the tissue back where it goes and using a sugar mesh to keep it in place. He also patched a hole in the brain membrane that was allowing fluid to leak. The idea is that now the bone can heal itself and that sugar mesh will dissolve within 18 months. We have decided that Eli will one day love telling his friends that he has a scar because his brain was coming out… And it will be true!

So, ya. That’s what has been going on the past few weeks! Eli is so strong and we learn so much from him every day. In fact, he proved his strength by fighting his bandage so much that was supposed to stay on until Friday that it came off on Tuesday. That of course caused me to panic because we are trying to make sure that membrane doesn’t rupture again causing fluid to leak out. That would be another emergency surgery – no thanks! Luckily the amazing neuro team at MUSC has calmed my nerves and taught us what to look for just in case. Thanks E, like your Momma needs another thing to be neurotic about.

Once Eli is all healed up, like 3-4 weeks we will schedule the eye surgery that was originally supposed to happen. That is the one we are looking forward to (for lack of a better term) because it will be life changing for him and we are hopeful we can just move on after it. He will have more surgeries in his life, but hopefully  not for years after this one!

He is a happy, healthy, amazing little 18 month old. He is doing well developmentally. He is very slightly behind the curve but nothing that anyone is too worried about. We have opted to get him evaluated for free in home physical and speech therapy through the state just to stay ahead of the curve. Like all parents, we just want him to have every possible opportunity!

Lastly, I can’t leave out sweet baby Abraham! He is doing so well. He is huge! He just turned 5 months and is now wearing 9 month clothes. He loves Eli and is so clearly working hard to be able to get mobile and play with him! He is just as smiley and giggly as Eli and to have our house filled with the laughter of not one, but two sweet babes makes us blessed beyond belief. Brian and I are hanging tough! We are tired, emotionally and physically. But we are also so grateful to have each other and walk through this crazy amazing life with our heads up and know that we always have each other to lean on. Pretty great, huh?

Until next time…

The Swacks